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How to Tell if You’re a Stoner
You love high-quality weed; you grow seriously resinous flowers; you know which strains you love. You have some of the traits of a true stoner, but can you really claim this title? Find out how much of a stoner you really are with the 18 points below. Tick them off as you discover how deep of a relationship you have with the herb.
Contents:
- You overcook wake and bakes
- You put up with slobbery joints
- You don’t take things too seriously
- You get lost in scroll holes
- You’re not a fan of running out of weed
- You’ve developed a knack for rolling in the elements
- You have the best playlists in the room
- You’ve mastered the art of stealth
- Your eyes are often red
- You lose lighters all the time
- Sometimes you get too damn high
- You’re more than familiar with cotton mouth
- You’ve had a bad experience with edibles
- You have a disdain for unpunctual dealers
- You appreciate smoking etiquette
- Your rolling box is a thing of envy
- You often hit the green ceiling
- You wrestle with paranoia every now and then
- So, where do you rank?
It’s not just a love for weed that unites stoners. Many cannabis users also find themselves facing similar dilemmas, comical situations, and even personality traits. Sure, you might hit a lot of blunts and bowls, but how can you tell if you’re truly a stoner? Well, if you frequently experience many of the situations below, or match with certain traits, you certainly fit the bill.
1. You Overcook Wake and Bakes
Wake and bakes are a lovely way to ease into the day. Not much beats the scent of terpenes and coffee in the air. When wake and baking goes right, you start the day motivated and feel good after a productive morning. However, blazing early in the day doesn’t always go to plan. If you overdo it—even by a little bit—you may find yourself too stoned. While the more experienced stoners among us can brush this off pretty easily, those with a lower tolerance might have to abandon their plans for the first half of the day. You know you’re a stoner if you’ve ever waked and baked a bit too hard.
2. You Put Up With Slobbery Joints
It’s nice to blaze in solitude sometimes, but smoking weed is often a social affair. Whether you’re chilling at home with friends, out hiking the trails, or gathered around a campfire, adding weed to the picture makes it all the more fun. However, part of passing around joints involves putting up with the occasional slobbery roach. While disgusting to most, true stoners have dealt with this nuisance for years, and it doesn’t stop them from continuing to puff, puff, pass.
3. You Don’t Take Things Too Seriously
A true stoner trait. A steady supply of cannabinoids entering the body makes it hard to stress out over the little things. Many stoners attest that smoking helps them see the bigger picture. Life becomes more simple. Nature becomes more beautiful. Sweating the small stuff seems so petty when you realize how magnificent life really is, especially with a spliff in hand. If you’re a true stoner, you’re probably more relaxed or easygoing than the average person.
4. You Get Lost in Scroll Holes
All of us are guilty of getting lost in scroll holes on social media. One second we’re sitting on the couch, bus, or toilet seat, and the next we snap out of 30 minutes of scrolling through feeds of cat videos and other viral sensations. However, we’re much more susceptible to tumbling down a scroll hole when high, as cannabis makes everything more interesting and heightens the senses.
5. You’re Not a Fan of Running Out of Weed
You know you’re a stoner if running out of weed is truly a sad event. You start to save buds for special occasions when your stash dwindles, but when it finally runs dry, music doesn’t sound as good and food doesn’t taste as divine. You’ll be waiting impatiently for your dealer to show up or your home-grown stash to finish curing.
6. You’ve Developed a Knack for Rolling in the Elements
True stoners are resilient folk and “roll with the punches”. No matter the conditions, they’ll craft a perfect cone, and somehow manage to light it and keep it dry even during monsoons or heavy winds. Cannabis lovers that prefer to smoke in the great outdoors develop an impressive knack for rolling in conditions that inexperienced users wouldn’t dream of contesting with.
7. You Have the Best Playlists in the Room
Cannabis often leads people to develop a very refined, yet expansive, taste in music. The herb draws us to tunes that make us feel good, from pounding psytrance to the chilled syncopated beats of reggae songs to the orgasmic guitar riffs and hammering drums of heavy metal. If you’re a true stoner, it’s often your phone that’s connected to the speakers, and your songs setting the vibe for the smoking session.
8. You’ve Mastered the Art of Stealth
Smoking and growing cannabis in countries that still prohibit the herb drives people to develop stealthy tendencies. Somehow, stoners find the most secluded yet relaxing spots in which to enjoy the herb, and savvy growers modify boxes and computer towers to grow their specimens well out of sight. Some users even brave smoking in their room with the help of sploofs and copious amounts of air freshener.
9. Your Eyes Are Often Red
Your friends have probably gotten used to your red eyes at this point. In fact, it’s probably a part of your natural look now. Heck, even your work colleagues are at the point where they think you experience year-round hay fever or unusually problematic dust allergies.
10. You Lose Lighters All the Time
Did you really lose your lighter? Or were you one of the victims of the most widespread crime in the cannabis space: lighter theft? Lighters are the most commonly swiped item in the world (most likely), and most of the time it’s not done intentionally! Now be honest, you’ve probably pocketed a fair few while baked. However, losing yours has left you in the sticky situation of inserting joints into toasters and using hobs to catch a flame.
11. Sometimes You Get Too Damn High
You’ve got an impressive tolerance, but sometimes that buffer gets breached. Perhaps you chowed down too many edibles, or maybe you hit moonrocks with astronomical levels of THC. Sometimes you just get too high. You’ve probably fallen victim to taking one too many puffs before work or social engagements on a few occasions, leaving you promising yourself that you’ll be more cautious in the future.
12. You’re More Than Familiar With Cotton Mouth
After years of smoking the herb, cotton mouth has become a familiar occurrence. Unlike the days when you’d enter a smoking session unprepared, you’re more than prepared these days. Whenever you head to the woods or beach to blaze, you pack a few bottles of water or fruit juice to quench the inevitable dryness.
13. You’ve Had a Bad Experience With Edibles
Edibles are a shock to the system, especially the first few times you try them. After scoffing down a cannabis-infused brownie, the liver converts a large portion of that THC into the more potent psychoactive molecule 11-hydroxy-THC, and this chemical gives rise to a borderline-psychedelic high that can catch even veteran smokers off their guard.
14. You Have a Disdain for Unpunctual Dealers
You’ve spent your fair share of time waiting on park benches and street corners for your local flower salesman. Sometimes herbal entrepreneurs are only 10 minutes late to your agreed spot; other times they leave you hanging for hours. But why should they care? They’re not exactly risking getting fired. In any case, you know you’re a stoner if you’ve spent hours waiting in an obscure location for your dealer to make an appearance.
15. You Appreciate Smoking Etiquette
Gone are the days of shabby rolls and poor-quality weed. You’ve developed a respect for the herb. You roll well, grow premium bud, and expect others in your crew to act with the proper etiquette during a smoking session. There’s nothing worse than passing a blunt to your bro and watching them enter a monologue about how birds aren’t real so they can hold onto it for as long as possible.
16. Your Rolling Box Is a Thing of Envy
You know how you like to smoke—classy. You’ve narrowed down your favorite papers, grinder, roaches, and lighters. But you don’t walk around with these apparatus crammed into your pockets. Instead, they’re packed neatly into a wooden rolling box; every item has its own place. Every time you blaze with new people, they’re blown away by your connoisseurship.
17. You Often Hit the Green Ceiling
Your tolerance has increased over the years. It used to take a couple of hits to feel blazed; now it takes a couple of joints. You know you’re a stoner if you fail to break through the green ceiling sometimes. No matter how many blunts you roll or bong bowls you hit, you just can’t manage to break through to the euphoria waiting on the other side.
18. You Wrestle With Paranoia Every Now and Then
It doesn’t matter how many years you have under your belt. Sometimes, cannabis just turns on us. Whether you smoked too much or are just having a bad day, sometimes every car looks like a cop car, and for some reason, everyone you cross knows you’re high (or at least it feels that way). You’re definitely a stoner if you have some comical stories about throwing your stash into a bush because those negative feelings reached a climax.
So, Where Do You Rank?
How many of the above are familiar to you? If you’ve experienced or identify with over half of these scenarios, you're certainly a stoner in our eyes. It’s not just cannabis that draws people together. Stoners often become close friends because we share so many experiences, behaviours, and habits surrounding the herb. As a true stoner, you probably see many of these traits in your friends, too.
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